In short, I'm a 30something year old binge drinking asshole. Oh, on days that I'm not drinking I think my natural East Coast surliness is charming. I'm funny, smart, can engage in normal conversation. When I'm not ruddy faced and bloated I'm not horrible looking. I don't have a chest like Ryan Gosling or any of those gym obsessed jerkoffs that girls in LA seem to love but I'll take my shirt off at the pool. You'll not like me because I'll cannonball right next to your head but it won't be because I'm ugly looking.
But that's where I get into trouble. Because pool = drinks. Dodger games = drinks. Seeing a band = drinks. Trivia night = drinks. Street fair = drinks. BBQs = drinks. Dinner out = drinks. Fuck it, I'm bored, want to find a patio somewhere and get drinks? And when I gets to drinking? Watch out.
I'm not a normal human being that can have a few drinks and then shut it off. Once the goofy juice hits my lips it's as if an angel just pissed down my throat. I love it. 'Dude, looks like we're drinking!'
From drink 1-4 it's as if I'm sober. From drink 5-8 I start getting silly and increasingly louder. From drink 9-12 I'm officially in a blackout and the DVR in my brain has shut off. From drink 13-??? I'm an out of control, raging asshole, maniac serving my notice on the citizens of Los Angeles that I'm not fit to live amongst you.
Last weekend I crashed and burned in spectacular fashion. A lazy Sunday afternoon that was supposed to just be lunch and a few beers turned into shots. Then turned into texting every single person I knew to come join me. Then turned into more shots. Then turned into blackout. Then turned into a vague memory of someone trying to rob me on Cahuenga. Then turned into my waking up Monday morning with unexplainable bruises all over my body. Then turned into my blowing off one of the biggest interviews of my life, a potential career changer and then it got worse...I checked my text messages. 'Dude, are you fucking serious?" "Haha, you fell down and knocked over a table at the bar you fucking drunk." "I can't believe you told the bartender you were going to cum on her face, what a dick." And finally my favorite, "hey asshole, you owe me $175. I had to pay your tab" from someone I had no recollection was even with me.
So after some real soul searching I've decided I'm going to attempt to quit drinking forever. It is so ingrained in my DNA. Every thing I do is revolved around alcohol. I have to stop because if I don't I will not have a friend left in the world, my career will continue to stay on a hamster wheel and I'll never get laid again.
This blog is mostly for me. I don't know if anyone will find it or even like it but this is so I can chronicle my journey to complete sobriety and hopefully find a place of happiness that has eluded me for a long time.
Sincerely,
Drunk Asshole
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