My First AA Meeting

Now that I've had a couple of days to calm down and come out of my self inflicted, shame malaise, I decided I should probably go to my first AA Meeting and see what the deal is. I've always made fun of people that have decided to go sober and doubly goofed on them if they went to AA.

I did a Google Search and found one in my neighborhood at a cafe starting at 10am. I sacked up and went by myself. I had no idea what to expect but I was definitely happy that it wasn't in some stereotypical church basement. I arrived about 15 mins early and parked at a meter out front. One hour only.

I walked in and the cast of characters were about what I expected. A Stellan Skarsgard stunt double, a girl that looked like Eva Longoria's cracked out older sister and an assortment of bass players from 80s hair metal bands. I don't even drink coffee but it seemed like the thing to do. I poured one and sat down.

A portly Mexican looking fella started the meeting reading off some rules and asking if anybody was new. I must have infiltrated a tightly knit group because every eye descended on me. I kept quiet. Eventually people started sharing their stories and they seemed way more fucked up than mine. I'm just the guy that gets destroyed drunk, I'm not Kitty Dukakis raiding the medicine cabinet for rubbing alcohol. What the fuck? You did what? Holy shit! It got time for me to speak and I saw the clock. Meter's about to run out!!! I stepped outside to pay the meter and never returned.

It felt a little bit like the Jerry Springer Show. I didn't belong but I felt strangely better about my life after watching it. I did however get the nerve to call my one sober friend. A guy I've tormented for the past 2 years since he's been booze free. I told him I think I have a drinking problem. He said 'I've been expecting this call from you.'

We've made a plan to try my 2nd AA meeting. Stay tuned.

Crash & Burn - Hopefully My Last Drink

In short, I'm a 30something year old binge drinking asshole. Oh, on days that I'm not drinking I think my natural East Coast surliness is charming. I'm funny, smart, can engage in normal conversation. When I'm not ruddy faced and bloated I'm not horrible looking. I don't have a chest like Ryan Gosling or any of those gym obsessed jerkoffs that girls in LA seem to love but I'll take my shirt off at the pool. You'll not like me because I'll cannonball right next to your head but it won't be because I'm ugly looking.

But that's where I get into trouble. Because pool = drinks. Dodger games = drinks. Seeing a band = drinks. Trivia night = drinks. Street fair = drinks. BBQs = drinks. Dinner out = drinks. Fuck it, I'm bored, want to find a patio somewhere and get drinks? And when I gets to drinking? Watch out.

I'm not a normal human being that can have a few drinks and then shut it off. Once the goofy juice hits my lips it's as if an angel just pissed down my throat. I love it. 'Dude, looks like we're drinking!'

From drink 1-4 it's as if I'm sober. From drink 5-8 I start getting silly and increasingly louder. From drink 9-12 I'm officially in a blackout and the DVR in my brain has shut off. From drink 13-??? I'm an out of control, raging asshole, maniac serving my notice on the citizens of Los Angeles that I'm not fit to live amongst you.

Last weekend I crashed and burned in spectacular fashion. A lazy Sunday afternoon that was supposed to just be lunch and a few beers turned into shots. Then turned into texting every single person I knew to come join me. Then turned into more shots. Then turned into blackout. Then turned into a vague memory of someone trying to rob me on Cahuenga. Then turned into my waking up Monday morning with unexplainable bruises all over my body. Then turned into my blowing off one of the biggest interviews of my life, a potential career changer and then it got worse...I checked my text messages. 'Dude, are you fucking serious?" "Haha, you fell down and knocked over a table at the bar you fucking drunk." "I can't believe you told the bartender you were going to cum on her face, what a dick." And finally my favorite, "hey asshole, you owe me $175. I had to pay your tab" from someone I had no recollection was even with me.

So after some real soul searching I've decided I'm going to attempt to quit drinking forever. It is so ingrained in my DNA. Every thing I do is revolved around alcohol. I have to stop because if I don't I will not have a friend left in the world, my career will continue to stay on a hamster wheel and I'll never get laid again.

This blog is mostly for me. I don't know if anyone will find it or even like it but this is so I can chronicle my journey to complete sobriety and hopefully find a place of happiness that has eluded me for a long time.

Sincerely,

Drunk Asshole